A Letter to Santa - The Godfather Speaks

Dear Santa Claus,

It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives
that you have secured for yourself, and your interests,
a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry.
Normally, my associates and I would not involve
ourselves in child-exploitation schemes such as yours.
However, it is quite clear to us that you have over-stepped your bounds
and are coming into my family’s territories. That I cannot let you do.

Mr. Claus, we’ve known each other for many years,
and we have no problem with your operations in the North Pole.
But, uh, Consigliore tells me that you have expanded
your deliveries to the entire south side, most of the north side,
and everywhere but the Jewish neighbourhoods.

I understand, Mr. Kringle, that you and I share many interests.
We both make lists. We both know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.
Have I mentioned, that, uh, red is also my favourite colour?
This year when you make your rounds, I hope you’ll take time stop
by the house for a cup of coffee and some cookies,
so that, uh, we can discuss an offer I know you can’t refuse.
I know how much you like cookies.
I am sure you will do this thing I ask out of respect,
but I would be remiss if I did not remind you of the tragic
demise of our mutual friend and confidant, Frosty T. Snowman.
I regret that it was necessary to teach Frosty a lesson.

Sincerely, and with warmest wishes for you and the lovely Mrs. Claus,

Don

P.S.
It would be most unfortunate for you to wake up one morning
to find the heads of eight tiny reindeers in bed with you.
I am sure you are a reasonable man, and this will not be necessary.


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Biker's Christmas Carol

Butch the Gay Santa Claus

Butch The Gay Santa Claus, filled with Christmas cheer
Butch The Gay Santa Claus, his beard tickles your ear
All the children at the mall wait for their surprise
It's not just Rudolph's nose that's red when they sit on his thighs
 

Oh

He squeezes down your chimney, greased up with frankincense
With bulging gifts for little boys leave dangling ornaments
Butch The Gay Santa Claus, filled with Christmas cheer
If you're very good he might come more than once this year
More than once this year
More than once this year
 

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Candy Cane Sugary Plum

Candy cane sugary plum giddy up a reindeer
Merry Merry Christmas and
and a very Happy New Year
a very happy new year
ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah
ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah
Flip flop bumpity bop lolly pop & jimney
Santa's landed on the roof
He 's comin' down the chimney
comin' down the chimney

Blink blop close your eyes make believe you're sleeping
Santa might be angry if he knew that you were peeping
knew that you were peeping
While visions of sugar plums dance in our heads
Santa Claus worked while we stayed in bed
But what to my wondering eyes there was he
round and around decorating the tree

I heard a stranger say when they began to shiver
hurry hurry there are we, presents to deliver
presents to deliver.

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night
his eight tiny reindeer joined right along
round and around they were singing this song

Candy cane sugary plum giddy up a reindeer
Merry Merry Christmas and
a very Happy New Year
Candy cane sugary plum giddy up a reindeer
Merry Merry Christmas and
a very Happy New Year
Candy cane sugary plum giddy up a reindeer
Merry Merry Christmas and
a very Happy New Year

Merry Christmas everybody


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Captain Santa Claus And His Reindeer Space Patrol

The word had spread from town to town

that Santa's sled had broken down

And there would be no toys this Christmas day.

When suddenly a cry was heard up  in the sky is that a bird

And all the children shouted hip hooray, hip hooray

Hooray for Captain Santa Claus and his reindeer space patrol

His sleigh broke down one Christmas Eve as he started from the pole

He said those children's heart would break if I don't make this trip

 but Santa's helpers saved the day when they built a rocket ship.

Then with his reindeer space cadets he took off through the air

 and not one chimney did they miss every stocking got its share

Now children dance with glee around the tree  each time they're told

the tale of Captain Santa Claus and his reindeer space patrol

Hooray for Captain Santa Claus and his reindeer space patrol

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Carol of the Drunks

Hark tales the cop
tales seem to flow
gin tinkering
more chardonnay
Christmas is here
drinking good cheer
ice cubes are cold
more cuervo gold
don't be a dink, watch what you drink
don't be a dork, don't pop the cork
Don't take the wheel, don't be a heel
don't grab the stick, don't be a dick
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
don't let your buddy Budweiser in the car
be a bud and don't drink and drive
if you think you have had a few too many
grab a booth and sober up a Denny's
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
hark tales the cop
tales seem to flow
don't drive away
don't swerve away

Christmas is here
drinking good cheer
ice cubes are cold
more cuervo gold
don't be a dink, watch what you drink
don't be a dork, don't pop the cork
don't take the wheel, don't be a heel
don't grab the stick, don't be a dick
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
have Shirley Temple drive
she'll get you home alive
she's a friend who won't drink and drive
if you drink gin fizzes like the fishes
you will land your britches in the ditches
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
don't drink and drive
don't take the wheel, don't be a heel
don't grab the stick, don't be a dick
DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE
dick


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Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
Chipmunks: Oh! That tickles!
Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir
They poked hot skewers through their nose
Chipmunks: Ow! Wrong end, cowboy!
Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them seasoned right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat
Will really hit the spot tonight

And now when Santa sees his tray
Santa: Ho ho ho ho ho
There'll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh
Santa: Mmmm…Hey, look at that!
And every hungry child is gonna spy
To see if chipmunks really sing when they fry
And so I'm brushing on some honey glaze
To keep them crisp and juicy too
Let's hope they get served many times many ways
Tasty Chipmunks; good food

Dave: On that, Mr. Cole
Mr.Cole: Yes, sir, Mr. Seville?
Dave: Would you mind handing me the barbeque sauce? I am starved!
Mr.Cole: Oh,no problem Dave. Hey listen, you best be havin' two of those drumsticks, because they're oh-so-tiny and there ain't much meat on ‘em
Melvin: What about animal rights, Dave?
Dave: Put a sock in it Melvin. You know, for years people said you over-rated hamsters were my meal ticket. Now I guess you could just say you're my meal!
That's a good one, Dave…I always knew you was the funny one in the group!
Dave: Damn straight!

And so I'm offering some recipes
From chipmunk pie to chipmunk stew
I'm not really sad that it ended this way
Furry chipmunks screw you

Dave: Did you hear that Melvin? Melvin? Melllllllllllviiiiiiiiiiiin?
Mr. Cole: Why, I'm sorry Dave, did you want Melvin?
There's plenty of Thagadore left though…



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Christmas Don't Be Late

(Dave:)Alright you Chipmunks, Ready to sing your song?
(Alvin:)I'd say we are
(Theodore:)Yeah, Lets sing it now!
(Dave:)Okay, Simon?
(Simon:)OK
(Dave:)Okay, Theodore?
(Theodore:)OK
(Dave:)Okay Alvin?...Alvin?...ALVIN!!!
(Alvin:)OKAY!!

(Chipmunks:)
Christmas, Christmas time is near,
Time for toys and time for cheer.
We've been good, but we can't last,
Hurry Christmas, Hurry fast.
Want a plane that loops the loop,
(Alvin:) Me, I want a Hula-Hoop.
(Chipmunks:)
We can hardly stand the wait,
Please Christmas don't be late.

(Dave:) Ok Fellas, Get ready.
That was very good, Simon.
(Simon:)Naturally!
(Dave:)Very Good Theodore
(Theodore:) He He He He
(Dave:)Uh Alvin, You were a little flat
So, watch it, Alvin...Alvin?...ALVIN!!!
(Alvin:)OKAY!!

(Chimpunks:)
Want a plane that loops the loop,
(Alvin:)I still want a Hula-Hoop.
(Chimpunks:)
We can hardly stand the wait,
Please Christmas don't be late.
We can hardly stand the wait,
Please Christmas don't be late.

 

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Christmas Is All Around

I feel it in my fingers,
I feel it in my toes,
Christmas is all around me,
and so the feeling grows

It's written in the wind,
It's everywhere I go,
So if you really love Christmas,
C'mon and let it snow?

You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend

You gave your presents to me
And I gave mine to you
I need Santa beside me
In everything I do

You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend

Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend

It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow?
C'mon and let it snow?
So if you really love
C'mon and let it
If you really love me
C'mon and let it
Now if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow?
 

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Christmas Song - Coca Cola Ad

 Holidays are coming
Holidays are coming
Holidays are coming
Holidays are coming
Holidays are coming
Holidays are coming

Tease the season
Watch out
Look around
Something's coming
Coming to town (Coming to your town)

Dooh dooh dooh...
Always Coca Cola (Coming to your town)

Something magic
In the night
Can't you see it
Shining bright (Shining bright)

Badada...
Always Coca Cola

Tease the season it's always the real thing




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Dear Santa Have You Had The Measles

[spoken] My dear child the doctor says you have the measles
so you will have to stay in bed during Christmas

Dear Santa I just got the measles
and I need your help right away
Imagine me getting the measles
With Christmas not too far away

Dear Santa have you had the measles
the kind I came down with today
Dear Santa I hope you had measles
or else they might keep you away

The doctor was here in a hurry
he put a big sign on the door
He said to my mum not to worry
but folks can't come in anymore

Dear Santa have you had the measles
the kind I came down with today
Dear Santa I hope you had measles
or else they might keep you away

I think that I just found a good way
to make sure you come through all right
just drive to my chimney the back way
cause that way the sign's out of sight

Dear Santa have you had the measles
please write me and tell me today
Dear Santa I hope you had measles
or else they might keep you away


[spoken] Don't worry darling Santa will surely come
even though you do have the measles

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Dysfunctional Family Christmas Songs

It's that time of year when families gather together to re-open old feelings

and Silver Bell Records is proud to present

a Dysfunctional Family Christmas

This is the album your family is sure to  cherish for Christmases to come

Christmas time you force a smile

everyone is joining in the group denial

Folks behaving infantile

Frosty The Yobbo

Frosty the Yobbo got out on parole.
The judge said he had no respect
and little self-control.
Frosty the Yobbo as everybody knows,
Is a snowman with an attitude
and a carrot for a nose.

The kids chucked snowballs at him
with a non stop wack! wack! wack!
But they got more than they bargained for
when he up and chucked them back.
The Police called in the special squad
they cordoned off the park.
They finally got their snowman
when they jumped him after dark.
They locked him in the cooler
they couldn't let him thaw.
A magistrate will not convict
a puddle on the floor.
The sergeant handcuffed Frosty
in case of an escape bid.
We can't have  yobbo snowmen
out there frightening the kids.

Frosty the Yobbo is now a different bloke.
He only chucks a snowball
when he's heavily provoked.
Frosty the Yobbo as everybody knows,
Is a snowman with an attitude
and a carrot for a nose.

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Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
When they found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.
It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family's dressed in black.

And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.
I've warned all my friends and neighbours.
Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
 

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
(Written by Randy Brooks)


 

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Grandpa Got Run Over By A Beer Truck

Grandpa got run over by a beer truck
Coming out of Woody's Christmas day
Grandma got a job out at the brewery
I never knew that she could drive that way

Grandpa was out drinking with the floozies
Spending all of grandma's hard earned dough
He didn't have enough to pay the bar tab
So Woody tossed him out into the snow

Grandpa stood there frozen in the head lights
He looked just as helpless as a deer
I don't think he was afraid of dying
I think he was afraid he'd spill his beer

(repeat chorus)

Who'd have thought he'd end up as a road kill
She flattened him right out on the centre line
He could have made it to the curb if he were quicker
But she backed it up and squashed him one more time

Grandma cried and cried at grandpa's funeral
Not because we peeled him off the road
All the loot she got from his insurance
Went to pay the bar tab that he owed

(repeat chorus)


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Hey You! Get Off My House

Hey you
What are you doin’ there?

I'm shiverin’ on a Christmas Eve
It’s 99 below on my block
And I freeze my stones tryin’ to close the window
Wishin’ that snow would stop
Then in flies a cat
That’s all dressed up in red with a huge toy sack
Weighs 305 pounds
He gave my roofline a big permanent crack

I said hey you get off of my house
Hey you get down from this house
Hey you get off of my house
Don’t hang around
Or I'll knock you down from this house

Those jingle bells were ringin’
I said hey take your deer and get flyin’
A voice says ho ho ho how are you?
Merry Christmas to you tonight
I said it’s three a.m. I don't need toys
I got a machine gun under my bed
So keep off of my roof
Or I’ll have to blast your candy ass out of that sled

I say hey you get off of my house
Hey you stay off of my house
Hey you get off you big louse
Don’t hang around
Or I'll shoot you down from this house

Up on the roof top reindeer pause
Out jumps a swingin’ Santa Claus
Up on the house top click boom click
Down to the ground goes stiff St. Nick

I say hey you get off of my house
Hey you get off of my house
Hey you get off my big house
Don’t hang around
I'll shoot you down

“Hey mister, you shot Santa Claus.”

“Hey, don’t worry, kid. I only nicked him.

He’ll limp a little, but he’ll be all right.

Hey you

“Hey, Steve, Edie, go see what’s in the bag.”

Don’t hang around
Oh Yeah
 

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I Came Upon A Road Kill Deer

I came upon a road kill deer
A sorrowful sight to behold
He lay upon the highway's edge
His body was stiff and cold

I bet he never saw the car
Careening through the snow
The lights shone brightly in his eyes
And then they laid him low

I came upon a road kill deer
And lifted him off the road
We'll all enjoy a Christmas feast
Of Bambi sloppy Joes

Be careful of those gravel bits
They really get stuck in your teeth
We'll place the antlers from his head
Upon our holiday wreath

I came upon a road kill deer
A sorrowful sight to behold
He gave his all to bring good cheer
As bumper mistletoe

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I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door,
that's the easy thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only like hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegeterian.
(Short Music Interlude)
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage

I can see me now on Christmas morning,
creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise
when I open up my eyes
to see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses
I only like hippopotamuseses
And hippopotamuses like me too!


 

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I'm Dressing Up Like Santa

I'm Dressin' Up Like Santa Claus on Christmas
as soon as I can get out on parole
I'll hang out on your street
Your kids I'd love to meet
as soon as I get out of this rat hole

I won't mind just sliding down your chimney
Cause I just spent fifteen years shovelin' coal
I'm Dressin' Up Like Santa Claus on Christmas
as soon as I can get out on parole

I'm anxious to get out among the living
and I'm makin' up a list of those to see
duded up in red and white
instead of these old stripes
just think of how surprised they will be

The old home town will sure be glad to see me
cause by now it slipped their minds how much I stole
I'm Dressin' Up Like Santa Claus on Christmas
as soon as I can get out on parole

I'm careful to be on my best behaviour
cause the warden's watching every thing I do
thank God he didn't see that fight in cell block 3
or I'd be stuck here till I'm 92
just a few more questions from that nice committee
then through those rusty gates I'll proudly stroll
I'm Dressin' Up Like Santa Claus on Christmas
as soon as I can get out on parole
as soon as I can get out on parole



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It's The Most Fattening Time Of The Year

Put on you seat belts, everybody! Put on your food belts!

Oh no! It’s not that time of year again.

No, it can’t be! It can’t be! Tell me.

Pinch me. Tell me it’s not here!

It’s the most fattening time of the year
With that pumpkin pie filling
And everyone swilling
Down eggnog and beer
It’s the most fattening time of the year

It’s the lip-smakinist season of all
While you’re shopping you're cheating
Impulsively eating
That junk at the mall
It’s the heav- heaviest season of all

There’ll be turkeys for basting
And stuffing for tasting
And giblets and gravy will flow
There’ll be cookies that mom baked
And leftover fruitcake
From a Christmas a long time ago

It’s the scale flattening time of the year
While your diet you’re blowing
There’s calories going
Straight down to your rear
It’s the scale flattening time of the year

Hey wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I know there’s food everywhere.

Eggnog flowing out a fountain.

 It’s like one big Bar mitzvah.

But listen, you don’t have to do that.

You could have small portions.

And make ribbons instead of fudge.

You can do it! Please try!

There’ll be after meal dozing
And arteries closing
Cholesterol levels will grow
It’s too cold to go jogging
Too brisk for tobogganing
So pass me a hot buttered roll

Don’t you dare touch that roll! I’m watching!

It’s the most fattening time of the year
All those gingerbread shingles
And chocolate Kris Kringles
Will tremble in fear
It’s the most fattening time
It’s a belt loosening time
It’s the most fattening time of the year

I’m Watching!




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Jingle Bells

Meowing Cats

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Leroy The Redneck Reindeer

Well you've all heard the story
About Rudolph and his nose
Well I'll tell you a Christmas Tale
That never has been told
Well you may think you've heard it all
But you ain't heard nothin' yet
About that crazy Christmas
That the North Pole can't forget

Rudolph was under the weather
And had to call in sick
So he got on the horn
To his cousin Leroy
Who lived out in the sticks
He said Santa's really counting on me
And I hate to pass the buck
Leroy said Hey I'm on my way
And he jumped in his pick-up truck
When Leroy got to the North Pole
All the reindeer snickered and laughed
They never seen a deer in overalls
And a John Deer trucker hat
Well Santa stepped in
And said just calm down
Cause we all got a job to do
Like it or not Leroy's in charge
And he's gonna be leading you
And he was

(chorus)
Leroy The Redneck Reindeer
Hooked to the front of the sleigh
Delivering toys to all the good ol' boys
And girls along the way
He's just a down home party animal
Two Steppin all across the sky
He mixes jingle bells with the rebel yell
And made history that night

Before that night was over
Leroy had changed there tune
He had them scootin a hoof
On every single roof
By the light of a neon moon
Santa wrapped his bag with the Dixie flag
He was having the time of his life
You could here him call
Merry Christmas Ya'll
And to all of ya'll a goodnight
And he was

Leroy The Redneck Reindeer
Hooked to the front of the sleigh
Delivering toys to all the good ol' boys
And girls along the way
He's just a down home party animal
Two Steppin all across the sky
He mixes jingle bells with the rebel yell
And made history that night

He mixes Jingle Bells with the rebel yell
And made history that night

 

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